Shades of Gray, Clouds of Smoke, Louder Than Bombs

Recent events have brought me to this incredible place of both new understanding and grand confusion. Wow, don’t you love life??!! If things were outlined and filled with black and white, things would be easier but freaking boring. I could sit here and say to myself, “Jen, you are a model, law-abiding, productive, and conformed member of society.” Okay, yeah, so I can also look at this pile of work beside me and actually tackle it, but I’m not going to… tee hee. I’m no model by any stretch, for the most part law-abiding, far from productive, and in no way a conformed member of this society. A good friend of mine said that she doesn’t always color outside the lines, she just has different lines. I like that. I think we all strive for different lines. Wait … I take that back. Many people are content living and coloring inside the lines, I just don’t think I am.

Can I put my head on my pillow at night knowing that I am where I want to be? No, I’m f’ing restless and ready to explode! Am I going to have job security in 2 years? Am I going to figure out who I am, what I want in life, and what I deserve? Am I seriously 32 years old and still trying to answer these questions? Will I find happiness and then successfully maintain it? I’ll probably never answer any of these questions … ever.

The album I’ve got in my ears is probably the main reason I’m being such a Negative Nancy today. The Smiths compilation Louder Than Bombs, listen and you will understand.