Get Me Off This Island!!

My life, like everyone else's, takes twists and turns that are almost never expected. Unpredictable and whacked are good ways to describe how I've dealt with such turns lately. If only I could flip past a few chapters to get to the fun stuff I would. Alas, I'm constantly flipping through backwards to make sense of the present. It's not a blame game, necessarily, more than a simple act of reminiscing. Well, maybe it's more an act of egotism. But that's what blogging seems to be anyway. Most of my past can be easily laughed about, and I'd like to leave this earth leaving laughs in the hearts of all my family and friends.

Unfortunately, my thoughts for my bliggity may be a bit morbid today. A friend of mine made me think of physical ailments. Another friend of mine gave me a laundry list of her particular ailments. And still another friend, who claims she can read palms, was creepily accurate about the number of "almost deaths" I've had in my life. Seeing as how this is my 32nd birthday, and birthdays seem to not have much more meaning anymore other than an excuse to get piss drunk and complain about how old I am, my mind has been wandering about this subject of passing. And yes it is completely lame to dwell on such things, seeing as how I hopefully have only lived half of my earthly years.

So many thoughts are bouncing like bingo balls in my noggin. I'll try to organize them, but they tend to escape as randomly as real bingo balls do from a rolling cage.

B1 -- Is there any way to know when my time is up? As I mentioned earlier, I thought I was gonna die a couple of times. I didn't see any white tunnels of light, nor was I greeted by anyone from the "other side." Hmm, Little Rock's finest must be aware of at least one of my "almost deaths." Anyone who is reading this and knows me can guess what this is. Let's just say that lying in bed not being able to really breathe is scary enough. However, scarier is knowing that at the time, I didn't even really care. No, it was not a suicide attempt, though some may argue this point. It was just a lack of the ability to mentally process action and reaction properly. And to think, I once thought that was fun. Nowadays, when I wake up in the morning, I have no reason not to smile.

O70 -- Have I been happy with my lonely self? Despite the lack of a "life partner", I have sooooo many good people around me constantly telling me that I am worthy of a "special someone." I tell myself on a daily basis that I don't need that someone to validate my happiness, but it does make me wonder if there is anyone out there for me. I can't help who my heart flutters for, but it never seems to flutter for the right ones. Disappointment is a constant for me in this area. I have absolutely no problems meeting people, making friends, busting the guts of random individuals wherever I am, or getting a phone number. I can have fun wherever I am. Would I be happier with a significant other? My therapist says I'm afraid of actually finding someone. I'm not so sure I need it, because I'm quite happy with myself just as I am ... wow, that was a crock of bullshit I just fed myself and almost enjoyed eating. Woo, sounds like another subject for another day. Pfft, I will carry on.

I25 -- Have I been a good person? Authorities may argue with my answer, but I know that no one else would. I may have dropped a pizza or two at a restaurant that shall remain nameless and scraped them up off the floor and served them anyway. I may have taken a good 10 years to finish college. I may have partaken in what my therapist would call a slurry of irrational decisions and "risky" behaviour. I may have made my Mama cry more times than any one daughter should. I may have not been the poster girl for a "model citizen". But so what? I am what I am, and my peeps love me. Wow, the bullshit continues. I'm good at bullshitting myself.

N42 -- What do I want my funeral to be like? I hope everyone I love will be able to just party! Tell stories about me, and laugh their asses off. I don't want any damn flowers, just a bunch of empty bottles and cans and plenty of good music. I don't want to be in a box. Turn me into ashes and plant a tree with me in the soil. Then fill the urn with Guiness and pour it out for me! That sounds like heaven to me, not to mention a helluva send off!

G58 -- So what happens next? Oye, belief systems are a pain in the ass. I was raised Roman Catholic, but I'm not 100% sold on the traditional idea of heaven. I don't wanna get all deep and philosophical, but I also don't wanna be stuck in some place with everyone else floating around being the same soul I was when I left the earth. I wanna chill out and change. I wanna keep weaving in and out of the fabric of the collective subconscious. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to end up coming back as a cow or some shit. I just hope my soul isn't some some idea that has been cooked up in my own mind to be okay with my place in the world.

*Sighs* Maybe nobody really cares anyway. I'm such an emo bitch sometimes. Happy Birthday to me, and Cheers to the world for one more year off my ticker! Oh, I've got it! I should just not really worry about it! BINGO!!!!!!

So my album recommendation today is "This Island" by LeTigre. Thanks, Jules. It is incredibly fun and danceable! Get it, play it, and dance your asses off as if it were the day of my funeral.