Welcome to the Freakshow!

"Hello, my name is Enigyo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. "

Oh, The Princess Bride! I love that movie. Seriously though, my name is not Mr. Montoya, but I am known by many nicknames. So many so, that I choose not to list them all ... Hmm, what the hell. It's a good first shot at this thing I call My Bliggity. So, welcome to the freakshow, friends and visitors! Here are some of my nicknames, and their origins. I'll progress chronologically.

• J.B. -- The grade school curse. There were like 5 Jennifers in my grade growing up. I despise being called Jenny, and Jen and Jennifer were snatched up by the "more popular" chicks. I spat in the face of class distinctions drawn out before the age of 7 and rather than use the Karate that everyone seemed to think I knew, J.B. was ok with me. At least it made me feel tough ... heehee.

• Filipenis -- Grrrrr. This one makes me ever so angry! However, to be as complete with this list as possible, it needs to be included. I could make an entire blog about this one, and I probably will at some point, so I'll keep this short. Basically, this one little brat of a kid in second grade thought it was funny to call me this after he learned that I was Filipina. Personally, I think he was just being a little shit because he never could beat me at King of the Hill. And, of course, being beaten by a girl over and over and over again is quite a knock to a 7-year old southern male ego.
• Teddy Ruxpin -- Hmm, yet another fine memory of humiliation. I was the school mascot in 8th grade. And that wasn't so bad except we weren't anything really cool and tough like tigers or cougars or lions. No, we were the ever ferocious GOPHERS! WTF? Well, anyhoo, with my stature and the size of the gopher costume, I looked more like a teddy bear. So all the little kids would come a runnin' calling me Teddy Bear or Teddy Ruxpin ... hrrrmmph.

• Barkley -- The junior high basketball curse. Wow, I haven't been called this one in a long while. Back in the day, when my body was fit for shuffling squeaky high tops up and down a basketball court, I played AAU ball in Little Rock. One might have called my style short and feisty. I even had an arch enemy! She was a very tall and very beefy girl named Medina (yes, as in Funky Cold from our beloved Tone-Loc, I think I've just aged myself). Sorry to drown this blog entry with another Princess Bride reference, but trust me it fits. Medina was a lot like Andre the Giant ("Anybody want a peanut?") To make a long story short, I was the only one who could "punk her down" so to speak. Therefore, the referees and all the coaches began calling me Barkley, after the infamous Charles Barkley. I'm not too sure that nickname makes me proud?

• Agent 99 -- This one is pathetic. In 9th grade, I had a teacher Mrs. X who was married to another teacher Mr. X, who had this deal about midterm exams. I have chosen to keep the names anonymous, because they were scary. What I mean is, they appeared to be more like inbred siblings rather than husband and wife. Arkansas is a frightening place to grow up in sometimes. Anyhoo, if you made a 100% on her midterm, she claimed you deserved dinner in a nice restaurant her treat. Right, so I didn't get dinner, but I did get an embarrassing nickname and my exam taped to the door as an example. Apparently, I was the closest anyone had ever gotten to the free meal. Talk about instant outcast in all social circles. Doh!
  


• Eskimo -- Yes, this is yet another example of the ignorance that is Arkansas. But I can't really fault anyone for thinking I look like an Eskimo. And I don't blame the countless folks in Little Rock who may have never been exposed to anyone that doesn't fit the black or white categories (fellow others, raise your hands). I honestly blame the old TV show Northern Exposure. Of course there's a story with this one. So I'm walking down an empty hall in high school. Towards me is coming a very large black guy, which didn't phase me by the way for anyone who is wondering. Anyway, he thinks he's being funny I guess because he asks me, "Hey, where yo' igloo at?" Wow, the possibility of an igloo in Arkansas was obviously ridiculous, and I thought I'd retort back with something a little more geographically accurate. So I said to him, "Hey, where yo' watermelon at?" The look of shock almost made me fall down, but we were able to share a laugh in the hallway at the very least.

• Asian Wonder Bitch -- I'm Asian. I'm wonderful. And I'm a bitch! And I had a good friend in high school who was the Caucasian Wonder Bitch for similar reasons, only different ethnicity. Pixie Barf, fellow blogger (http://pixiebarf.blogspot.com/), can verify this one. She is a funny girl, check her out.

• Asian Persuasion -- Speaking of Pixie Barf, I played soccer with her in senior year of high school. Again, based on my stature, I was best fit for keeper (or goalie). During one fine game, we were playing against one of the more redneck towns in Arkansas (there are many). I was minding my goal, and my goal was my house! Nobody got past me without a fight. Well, this one disgruntled striker decided to call me F'ing Chink. Sure, like that was going to make me any less able to stop her strikes at goal. It actually almost got me thrown out of the game, because I had taken off my goalie gloves, thrown them to the ground, and was about to put a fist in her face when my better judgement calmed me down enough to chill on it. But I did go home that night and apply the words Asian Persuasion to my doo-rag (bandanna) that I wore at every game.

• Bee-atch -- Oh freshman year of college! Some days I remember, most are a blurr. My best friend was Asshole, and she called me Bee-atch. It stuck. It stuck so much, that just three weeks ago at her wedding I could not introduce myself as Jen. Nobody really knew who I was until I said, "Yes, I'm Bee-atch." Her mother even calls me Bee-atch to this day.
• The Mexican -- The only ones who ever called me this, and never to my face mind you, were Little Rock's finest. That's right! Arkansas bacon referred to me as The Mexican. I'd rather not expand on this one, as it may incriminate me. I take the fifth. I just wanna give a shout out to all the men and women in blue in the greater Little Rock area. Yes, I'm still alive! And yes, you may search my vehicle ...
• Big Worm -- My little brother graced me with this name around the same time I was dubbed The Mexican. Therefore, rather than take the fifth again on this one, watch the movie Friday. You will understand then.

Sweet Jeebus! I'm growing weary from the conjuring of so many memories right now. I had no idea how many nicknames I could rustle up. I also had no idea until I made this list that 99% of these names refer to my ethnicity in some sort of way. There's nothing like growing up Asian in Arkansas to make a kid aware. This isn't even half of them! I just can't go on right now. This is best left for another bliggity day. I guess my attempt at a fun nickname list turned into a an emotional purging for me. Meh, I'm over it now.

Oh, by the way, every bliggity title of mine is a reference to music I recommend that you look into. And I will give details at the end of every entry. Welcome the the Freakshow refers to this really really really hot breakbeat album by Krafty Kuts called Freakshow. Just get it, and bust a move to it!

Peace and may your soul be bright!